Michail Antonio has spoken for the first time about his life-threatening car crash in December, and his determination to play in the Premier League again.
West Ham United striker Antonio, 34, sustained a badly broken leg when his car hit a tree in Epping Forest on 7 December.
The Jamaica international underwent surgery and although he is making positive strides in his physical recovery, the mental challenge of processing what happened was acutely brought home to him when he went to see the remains of his car in a scrapyard three weeks ago.
"It gave me a weird feeling in my stomach," Antonio said. "It just made me realise how close I was to dying. I had seen the pictures but it was 10 times worse in person. The car was an absolute mess. It was difficult for me."
Mental and physical challenge
Antonio shattered his leg in four different places and had a pole put in his thigh with four bolts, so screws and bolts could help the bones knit back together.
And while his body may be healing, the mental trauma of such an horrific incident can take longer to repair.
"Since the crash, I've been more emotional than I have ever been in my life, but I feel like it's better," said Antonio, who has previously spoken openly about having therapy to help develop coping strategies following the death of his father and break-up of his previous marriage.
"I wouldn't have processed it at all, or what I would have done would be to push it down and been angry or aggressive," he added, when asked how he would have reacted to the crash if he had not previously reached out for help.
"Therapy is one of the best things that's happened to me in my life.
"The most difficult part is that I almost wasn't there for my children. It's just made me happy, positive about life, because I've got another chance at life."
Looking to the future
Father-of-six Antonio, who joined West Ham in 2015, has shown great resilience and determination throughout his career, working his way up from non-league Tooting & Mitcham to reach the top at both club and international level.
That strength of character is sure to stand him in good stead as Antonio looks to the future.
"It's the biggest injury I've ever had in my career," he said. "But the fact that I'm already two to three months ahead of where I should be, I know that I'll play again, and I know that once I'm playing the game I'll get the sharpness back."
While Antonio has "been working six days a week" as he slowly, but surely, continues his rehabilitation, the support from the extended West Ham family has not gone unnoticed by the hugely popular No 9.
Support so important
Two days after his crash, West Ham fans and players paid tribute to Antonio during their 2-1 win over Wolverhampton Wanderers, with the players warming up in tops bearing their team-mate’s name and number, with goalscorers Tomas Soucek and Jarrod Bowen honouring him in their celebrations.
“I remember watching the Wolves game in hospital, and it made me emotional," said Antonio. "I loved the support. Over the next six to eight weeks, every time I watched a game I could hear the fans singing my name, which is something I really appreciated and that has actually helped me massively."
Antonio eventually got to experience that support first-hand when he made an emotional return to London Stadium for West Ham's recent home match against Newcastle United - and he has not ruled out playing for the Hammers again - especially as team-mate Bowen is closing in on his record of 68 goals as the club's all-time Premier League top scorer!
"My main focus right now is on making sure my leg is right, so I can come back and play. I’m focused on my recovery, spending time with family, and making sure everything’s right," he said.
“But I will be back, 100 per cent. I didn’t get into football because I was a football fan; I played football because it was a hobby I loved. And it’s still my dream, and something I really enjoy.
“Jarrod’s a bit mad about the record still, even though I’ve given him an extra seven months or so! I need to come back, so I can score some more goals and put a bit more distance between us in the standings!
"I like that people care enough to come and ask me the question [if he will play again], so I don't mind repeating it 1,000 times. The goal is to be back scoring goals."
